Hurry up and wait

Story of our life, right? Three months ago, I sat in my fertility support group and bawled my eyes out as I professed that I did not want to go through another holiday not pregnant. It wasn’t even fall yet but I could sense my despair as the time was nearly approaching. The holiday season has always been my favorite time of year –a jovial period of transformation and gratitude, filled with love, laughter, and family! For the past few years, though, it has also been a challenging time of sadness, tears, and questioning. My heart ached that day as I thought about yet another season of waiting on the turn of the year, hoping that my time would come.

A few weeks later, God gently reminded me that my problem isn’t in the waiting…but what will I choose to do while I wait? Then it came to me. This can either be a time filled with sorrow and pain or gratitude and exploration. I’ll take the latter for 200, Alex! So, I began to think what could I do to make this time better? Where could I focus my attention? The answer surprised me.

I was introduced to yoga about 4 years ago as a method of treatment for my infertility. Not knowing much about it, I dove in quickly! (Shoot, I would have eaten a frog had you told me it would get me pregnant.)  I soon discovered a quiet, relaxing space where I could center my thoughts and release my anxieties about my inability to naturally conceive. Though I instantly took a liking to yoga, I would have never imagined that today I would be in a yoga teacher training program. The darkest moments of infertility would have me question my whole life, complete existence, and total being. Four years of that kind of wondering led me to want to know more about myself and why God would allow me to go through this process. I’m now beginning to find those answers in my yoga practice.

Yoga is about more than stretching, acrobatic poses, and quiet times of reflection. It is a process of self-discovery where you learn to master the functions of the mind. One of the biggest ways that God is using this process to transform how and what I think about myself is through learning self-compassion. Being on my yoga mat is a direct reflection of how I am in my daily life. During the first two weeks of training, I was so self-critical. I cried in the back of the room when I couldn’t lift my leg as high as the person in front of me. You’ve been doing this for years. What’s your problem? I thought. Not only was I unfairly judging myself but I was more concerned about the end result rather than the process of getting there. This mirrored my daily life. I would compare my journey to others’, then judge and criticize myself for not being there, too. Because of that, I was missing out on the blessing of my own becoming.

It’s easy to get lost in our infertility, wondering will my time ever come or why is she pregnant and not me or happy for you but sad for me or she has kids and doesn’t even want them. Though these thoughts are real to our experience, there is a process of becoming on the other side of them. What I am learning is how to nurture myself through unconditional love, patience, and acceptance which are values that I must have as a mother. Not just for my children, but for myself first, so that I’m not judging or being self-critical when making mistakes as I learn how to raise my babies.

I know it seems like our time will never come but we must stand in faith and trust that it is. In the meantime, don’t underestimate what God is doing in your season of waiting. I believe that if we shift our focus on becoming who God is transforming us to be then we can learn to rest in this season while we wait.

XOXOXO

What areas of your life are you willing to give to God to transform during your process of waiting?