Quit Body Shaming!

A phrase that I have been saying to myself for the past week. Weird, right? Well, not really.

I recently noticed a change in my weight a few months ago. My pants and skirts were tighter and I wasn’t comfortable in most of my clothes. I knew I was gaining weight as my doctor kindly informed me that I “may want to get back down to my normal weight.” Tried it! Anyway, my rebuttal was, “Psh! Lady, this is my happy weight!” You see, for the past 5 years I have struggled with stress, worry and depression. Infertility, loss and other life changes will do that to you. And as a result, my weight no longer fluctuated as before. It consistently stayed low and that was my new norm.

Then, in January of this year, I entered a new industry, started a new job and was feeling happy again. So happy, that I was eating my feelings! That’s right, people, emotional eating goes both ways! I attributed the change in my weight to me being happy and that feeling had become so foreign that I didn’t want to lose it again. So it became the justification for my behavior. I was enjoying bread and sweets again! And chips and cookies and potatoes and pizza! In the morning, afternoon and night. Just eating away! I was filling out and Huzz couldn’t keep his hands off me! I must admit, I was loving my weight, too…until this past Sunday.

Mother’s Day 2018 and Mother’s Day 2017

We take mom to brunch on Mother’s Day and of course we have to get pictures of the festivities. So I smiled and posed as my dad and brother snapped away. Monday came and I asked them to send to me the shots. Uhhhhh, it was at that moment that I realized that knowing and seeing were two different things! Now, you’re probably looking at this picture thinking what most of my family and friends have expressed: “girl, you are not fat, you look good, I only see it in your face, that’s your grown woman weight, those are yoga hips.” While all of this may be true, in order for me to accept what I see, I have to be honest with myself about how I got here.

All of my life I have be a regimented and structured individual. I often call myself a “recovering control freak” as I have worked really hard at not trying to control things, situations, and people in my life. I felt I had made GREAT progress and then one day God said “ok, let’s see.” In comes infertility, the one thing I have ABSOLUTELY no control over.

Our last round of IVF reminds me of the story of Sarah. Remember when the angel of the Lord came to her and told her she would bare a child? She laughed and scoffed at God, like “yeah right.” She wanted a baby so badly that she went ahead of God and gave her handmaiden to her husband, who bore him a son. (Genesis 16, 18)

*PAUSE* Now, I know the lows of desperation in wanting a baby, I truly do…but what we NOT gone do is… *UN-PAUSE*

It was a couple of months after a miscarriage that I looked to Denard, with my ol’ desperate self, and emphatically said, “I’m not going to be baby-less…!” So he sprung into action, not because of the demand but because just like Abraham saw in Sarah, he saw my desperation and unhappiness.

Well, I hadn’t (and won’t EVER) give another woman to my husband but I was JUST LIKE SARAH! *insert dramatic gasp* Yep, just like her. I went ahead of God instead of waiting on his divine timing and pushed for another round of IVF when it was not time. It ended up being a complete fail. I was devastated, disappointed and broke! But then came the birthing of a miracle out of that experience. Not only did it kick start my grieving process but I also learned what it really meant to let go, trust, and wait on God. This moment planted a new level of patience and trust in God that I did not know before. I began to fully accept that I was not in control and it was for the best. God’s timing is better than our own and truthfully, I was not emotionally well enough to have a baby during that time.

How does this relate to my weight gain? I have been trying to control my emotions by eating (under the guise of happiness) because I can’t control when I’m going to have a baby. What I first have to do is remember that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. God’s plan is God’s plan. My baby will come in His perfect time. What I can do is give myself permission to eat, enjoy food, and change physically without shaming myself for the weight I’ve gained. Sure I look fine, though I still might want to slow up on the biscuits, but I am sharing my truth for the sake of accountability. I’m not asking anyone to slap food out my hand but I do have a responsibility to not use food to try to control my feelings. There are other healthy ways that I can take care of myself emotionally. I will focus on and utilize them which in turn will help me to be more accepting of myself and my process. If I can continuously do this, then I’m sure I will enjoy ALL of the changes that are happening in my body and my life.

Take Care,

XOXOXO

Care to share your truths on body image, control, or trusting God? Comment below (or private message me to stay anonymous).

You Are Not Forgotten

If you want to stay in bed, celebrate other mothers, or sleep the day away, it’s perfectly ok. Smile if want, cry if you need, laugh if you can. I’m praying for you.

XOXOXO

Take Care,

Fellow mom-in-waiting

Good Day

We’re gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We’re gonna have a good day
And ain’t nobody gotta cry today
‘Cause ain’t nobody gonna die today
You save that drama for another day
Heyyy we’re gonna have a good day

Denard and I started our devotion this morning to Good Day by Greg Street f/ Nappy Roots. It’s very true that we have the power to not only command our morning but our entire day. And if we can command our day, I am certain that I can command my life!

This song kicked off such an overwhelming feeling of happiness today starting with a doctor’s appointment early this morning in Midtown. If you know Atlanta, then you know traffic to midtown is a beast, whether you live inside or outside of the city. Well, not this morning…not today! I got to my appointment with ease as traffic flowed and this song rang in my head: “we’re gonna have a good day!”

My appointment went well, my outfit was chic, I got to work without incident, my lunch was delicious and I started a new work project. It indeed has been a good day. This got me to thinking, though we have experienced a lot on our journey of infertility, we still have the power to influence how we feel by the thoughts we think and the words we profess. I heard a message once about Jacob and Esau. Jacob tricked Esau and stole his birthright and his blessing when Esau was in a temporary moment of anguish. Later, Esau went to his father Issac who was blind, and fell before him to receive his blessing. Jacob had already swindled his father out of the birthright blessing by dressing himself and acting as Esau. Both Issac and Esau were distraught when they discovered the truth, to say the least. Esau asked his father if he only had one blessing because he wanted to be blessed, too. So Issac spoke a blessing over Esau, stating that though he had to serve his brother Jacob, he would one day surely have dominion over him and the ability to take the yoke from his neck. Issac empowered Esau, when he thought he had nothing, to use what he had to change his future: the ability to let go of things and experiences of the past, to walk into what was reserved for him. (Genesis 25:19-34, 27:1-40)

Many of days I have felt tricked, hoodwinked, bamboozeled out of promises of God. I’ve cried to Him in storms saying, I live for you. I do my best. I help others. I work hard. I give so much of myself for you. Why has my promise been taken from me? (three times at that!) This message came back to my remembrance that God has given us the power to take the yokes from our neck, meaning to release the things or experiences that have held us bound, fearful, faithless, angry, hurt, disappointed, etc. so that we can still receive and enjoy the blessings reserved for our lives. We release those yokes by the thoughts we think and the words we say.

So, I encourage us to be like the chorus of children in the Good Day song. Speak life into your situation. Begin speaking life into your finances for your embryo storage,  IUI/IVF cycle, surrogacy or adoption. Speak life into your uterus, your ovaries, your health, your marriage, your next pregnancy, your baby, your BABIES, your BABY SHOWER! Take the yoke from around your neck and walk with expectancy into what God has for you this season. I know I am! I’m claiming a bird in the nest for 2018!

Take Care,

XOXOXO

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

It was a cold December morning, a Monday to be exact, and the year was 2013. My dream of being a mom was coming to an end in the last place I expected. At the time, I was working as a therapist in a psychiatric hospital. I was on duty to facilitate group therapy for outpatient clients in treatment. During the morning session, I began feeling sick all of a sudden. My stomach was in knots, I felt faint, and I was shivering with cold sweats. I gave the group a 10-minute break and ran to a private restroom. It was in that cold, damp, dark lavatory that I miscarried my first baby. I couldn’t believe it. I was in such shock that I immediately flushed the toilet, washed my face and hands and went back into the therapy room like nothing happened. At the end of the group, I gathered my things and left the hospital. That was my last day of work there.

My face after turning up in the pancake house March 2013

March of the following year, my husband and I completed our 2^nd round of IVF. We were optimistic. Two weeks later, we sat in a pancake house waiting on the nurse to call us with the results of our pregnancy test. We were nervous yet hopeful…and thank God we were because again, it was a success! I was so happy, I ran out of the restaurant door and clicked my heels in the air like the cartoons. We sang to the top of our lungs and danced in our car seats to Pharrell’s Happy. In that moment, all was right with the world.

I could have never imagined that that song would later grieve me to tears of sorrow. It was our 8-week checkup and I was excited to hear again the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I leaned back in the dimly lit room, bracing myself for the cold ultrasound gel. Then as I released a sigh of relief and prepared for music to my ears, the nurse’s facial expression changed. She continued to move the wand, focusing intently on the screen as we waited. Then she softly uttered two of the most painful word’s I’ll never forget: “I’m sorry.” We had lost our baby…again! No warning, nothing.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I had no idea that this occasion would mean so much to me. Pregnancy loss is not talked about much. It is often considered an invisible trauma but the pain is very real and should not be ignored. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that 3.9 million pregnancies occur each year in the US. An estimated 15 to 20% of these pregnancies end in miscarriage. These voiceless women/couples/families experience a pain that is often unheard and misunderstood. If this is your experience, this post is to acknowledge and encourage you to give yourself permission to grieve this REAL loss in a real way. It’s challenging to suffer these types of losses, I know. It still tugs at my heart when I think of how old my children would be, what they would look like, and what our family would be today. But here’s what I’ve learned: JOY comes in the MOURNING! Once I stopped pretending that I was ok, I was able to properly grieve. Listen, you do not have to “be strong”. God’s strength is made perfect in your weakness. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to address (not cover up, bury, ignore, or minimize) this emotional trauma. It is necessary for your healing and restoration of joy.

Today, I stand with and salute the mothers and families who have suffered early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn child. It is my prayer that this month, and every month, we remember the babies that we carried and carry that love in our hearts forever.

Take care!

XOXOXO

Hard Things

You never know how much strength you truly have until life requires you to be strong. This post is to encourage all of my sisters out there who are TTC (trying to conceive).

I know it gets hard when…

month after month Aunt Flow continues to show up like clock work

when you’ve spent every dime in savings on IVI and IVF only to come up empty handed

when someone who doesn’t really “get it” tell you to relax and it’ll happen in God’s time

when your mailbox is filled with baby shower and birthday party invitations

when you see cute pregnancy announcements on social media

when your great aunt Ethel asks when are you going to put a bun in the oven

when your best friend calls you with great news that she’s expecting

when someone who wasn’t even trying gets pregnant…with twins

when Pharell and his wife announce that they had TRIPLETS

when Beyoncé announces she’s having TWINS

when IVF FINALLY works and you lose your little one weeks later

when you have to put on a brave face at work or family functions and all you really want to do is crawl under the bed and stay

when you hear a baby crying in Target and you have to turn the other way to keep from running off with that lady’s baby

when you won’t let your husband hold his own new nephew because you’re addicted to the new baby smell

when you’re truly grateful to be alive one day and sob uncontrollably the next because you are still childless

when God seems to not to answer when you ask why is all of this happening

when you find purpose in life but your heart still feels void and broken

when you’ve conceived already and want your child to have a sibling but continue to miscarry

when you adopt but still want to conceive and someone says you should be grateful

when someone tells you “you’re too old to be trying to have a baby”

when someone tells you “you’re too young to be trying to have a baby”…

 

I say this to you (and to me): Girl, you can do hard things!

 

Everything has got to get better. Sending love and light to you today…

XOXOXO

Happy New Life!

Happy New Life!

That’s my desire: a happy, new life! And that’s what I have been working on, long before January 1, 2017. Quite some time has passed since I last posted. Truth is, I attempted several times to write an inspiring holiday blog post. You know, the kind that’s empowering, witty, and encouraging. Well, to be honest, most days I wasn’t feeling all that empowered, encouraged, or funny. So, I decided to surrender to being rather than doing and trust that I would write when the time was right.

Much of my life has been plagued with doing. So much so that it had become my coping strategy, a defense mechanism if you will, in those critical life moments that just seemed too difficult to bare. It is very easy for me to do something so that I don’t have to focus on what is happening to, in or around me. I’ve come to discover, however, that the stillness of being is where we become, heal and grow. Learning how to simply be rather than do is what most recently led me to yoga teacher training.

This past September, I enrolled in a program which ultimately taught me so much about myself and my infertility. It all started one day when I heard a message from Bishop T.D. Jakes about Rerouting. Sometimes in life, we get to a place where we can’t move forward or backwards so we are just stuck there buffering, trying to determine what the next move is. That was me. I was in a season of my life where I felt stuck and unproductive. I felt like my infertility had robbed me of my ability to produce in every area of my life. I was staring at an incomplete book, unfinished coaching program plans, empty email box for speaking engagements, and honestly, a lack of desire to do any of it. So, it was no wonder that this message came right on time as I was looking for a way to reset my life and start again.

I surrendered to the process of starting over, starting anew! I no longer wanted my natural inability to conceive children to consume my life and make me feel like I could not succeed or be productive in other areas of my life (spiritual, professional, relational and financial). So, I had to make a change.

Enrolling into the teacher training program was more about self- and God-discovery than finding something else for me to engulf in so I that I didn’t have to deal with my barrenness. I went in with an open mind and heart, believing that I would be transformed in some way. Around week 10, there was an exercise where we were asked to describe the world as we see it with the first five words that came to mind. My words were fruitful, abundant, mysterious, endless, and resourceful. (My view was not the world as our current society but the world as in God’s creation.) The second part of this exercise suggested that these words describe the substance of which our soul/spirit/true self is made and on that we should reflect. I was amazed to discover that I was able to separate the condition of my life from my personal being, who I truly am! The condition may say that I have an inability to reproduce BUT my spirit, the very essence of who I am, believes (knows) that I am fruitful, abundant, mysterious, endless, and resourceful! I wept that day with gratitude to God for this revelation and understanding.

Thirteen weeks of professional teacher training taught me so may lessons like this on self-love, vulnerability, and the courageous power to overcome the biggest heartbreaks of my life. It is my intent to share these lessons with you this year, via this blog, that unfinished book or every day encounters with you in person or on social media. Right now, though, I am giving myself permission to embrace my happy, new life of self- and God-discovery rather than one of expectation and planning. I know that may seem counterproductive but for me, I’m more interested in being rather than doing.

Happy New Life ladies!

XOXOXO

Do you desire to live a happy, new life? What does that look like? Does that require to you be more instead of do more?

Turkey Day Tips

Thanksgiving is less than 24 hours away! Are we ready? This time last year, I was determined to make it through turkey day with my head held high and my emotions intact. My intention was, and still is, to focus on the things that I do have instead of the one thing that I do not. I needed to find the courage and strength to do that. Not wanting to look like what I’d been through, I put on my hot pink lips and rocked it out.

Thanksgiving 2015 (Hi Huzz!)

Some of you may be entering the day with anticipation, angst, or maybe even avoidance. Whichever you may feel, here are a few tips that can help to get you through. I have also included a note to family and friends on how to handle the holiday conversation around infertility.

1. Take care – If you are going to be spending any portion of your day at a family gathering, get good rest tonight and have a light, healthy breakfast in the morning. This will help to minimize agitation and irritability, which will increase your tolerance for any distractions of the day. Going in, have a plan of how long you want to stay. If you find yourself too overwhelmed with emotion, don’t be afraid to cut your visit short. You are your first priority.
2. Meditate – Start your morning off with mediation. Find a cool, quiet, and comfortable spot in your home. With your eyes closed, lie on your back and place a folded blanket across your hips to ground yourself into the earth. (Place a pillow under your knees if this strains your lower back.) Allow your breaths to be deep, even and smooth as you quiet your mind. If you listen close enough, your inhales and exhales sound like ocean waves on the shore! Center your heart and set an intention for the day. Choose a word like peace, love, or courage to focus on as you welcome the day of gratitude.
3. Say yes…and no – If you wake up Thursday feeling like the day will be too challenging for you, say yes to yourself and no to dinner. It is completely ok to stay home, have a turkey sandwich and catch up on your shows. (Trust me!) This alone time can be an expression of gratitude to your mind/body/spirit for getting you through a challenging year of doctor’s appointments, IUI or IVF cycles, the poking and prodding of needles, a miscarriage or anything else that your body has endured this year. Choose you!
4. Don’t explain – If you find yourself being asked about starting a family (or continuing one), take a deep breath before responding…if you even choose to respond. Your answer will depend on your mood. You may be ready to talk about it; you may not. Either way, you do not have to explain. A simple “thanks for caring” followed up by changing the subject or walking away all together will suffice. You cannot control others asking the question but you can control how you respond. You are responsible for taking care of you. So, go in with the expectation that someone may ask and be prepared.
5. Enjoy the holiday! Whatever you do this week, let love be your guide. Love yourself, love God, and love others. Set your intention on gratitude. Find at least one thing to be grateful for. Make a gratitude list. Put up your Christmas tree. Wear lipstick. Go bowling. Eat sushi. Bake bread. Laugh. Smile. Dance. Celebrate life!

To our family and friends who may or may not know about a loved one’s struggle with infertility, you can offer the greatest gift of love and support by not asking questions about having children or offering advice on how to get pregnant. You may be naturally curious and have the best intentions but when it’s time for you to know, trust that you will be told. Instead, show your support by discussing how grateful you are for the relationship that you share with your loved one and offer a hug coupled with “I love you”. This communicates care and compassion and sends the message that she is not alone.

Happy thanksgiving everyone! Let love be your guide.

XOXOXO

Hurry up and wait

Story of our life, right? Three months ago, I sat in my fertility support group and bawled my eyes out as I professed that I did not want to go through another holiday not pregnant. It wasn’t even fall yet but I could sense my despair as the time was nearly approaching. The holiday season has always been my favorite time of year –a jovial period of transformation and gratitude, filled with love, laughter, and family! For the past few years, though, it has also been a challenging time of sadness, tears, and questioning. My heart ached that day as I thought about yet another season of waiting on the turn of the year, hoping that my time would come.

A few weeks later, God gently reminded me that my problem isn’t in the waiting…but what will I choose to do while I wait? Then it came to me. This can either be a time filled with sorrow and pain or gratitude and exploration. I’ll take the latter for 200, Alex! So, I began to think what could I do to make this time better? Where could I focus my attention? The answer surprised me.

I was introduced to yoga about 4 years ago as a method of treatment for my infertility. Not knowing much about it, I dove in quickly! (Shoot, I would have eaten a frog had you told me it would get me pregnant.)  I soon discovered a quiet, relaxing space where I could center my thoughts and release my anxieties about my inability to naturally conceive. Though I instantly took a liking to yoga, I would have never imagined that today I would be in a yoga teacher training program. The darkest moments of infertility would have me question my whole life, complete existence, and total being. Four years of that kind of wondering led me to want to know more about myself and why God would allow me to go through this process. I’m now beginning to find those answers in my yoga practice.

Yoga is about more than stretching, acrobatic poses, and quiet times of reflection. It is a process of self-discovery where you learn to master the functions of the mind. One of the biggest ways that God is using this process to transform how and what I think about myself is through learning self-compassion. Being on my yoga mat is a direct reflection of how I am in my daily life. During the first two weeks of training, I was so self-critical. I cried in the back of the room when I couldn’t lift my leg as high as the person in front of me. You’ve been doing this for years. What’s your problem? I thought. Not only was I unfairly judging myself but I was more concerned about the end result rather than the process of getting there. This mirrored my daily life. I would compare my journey to others’, then judge and criticize myself for not being there, too. Because of that, I was missing out on the blessing of my own becoming.

It’s easy to get lost in our infertility, wondering will my time ever come or why is she pregnant and not me or happy for you but sad for me or she has kids and doesn’t even want them. Though these thoughts are real to our experience, there is a process of becoming on the other side of them. What I am learning is how to nurture myself through unconditional love, patience, and acceptance which are values that I must have as a mother. Not just for my children, but for myself first, so that I’m not judging or being self-critical when making mistakes as I learn how to raise my babies.

I know it seems like our time will never come but we must stand in faith and trust that it is. In the meantime, don’t underestimate what God is doing in your season of waiting. I believe that if we shift our focus on becoming who God is transforming us to be then we can learn to rest in this season while we wait.

XOXOXO

What areas of your life are you willing to give to God to transform during your process of waiting?

(No More) Silent Suffering

1 out of 8 couples suffer with infertility. We are one of those 8. It was not my plan or desire to have children as I was more focused on my career and the beautiful friendship of my marriage. Then one day, out of the blue, my biological clock struck as loud as midnight and almost a year later, I was sitting in the doctor’s office trying to understand what this diagnosis meant for me and my husband.

To all of the people who have asked me over the past 11 years the dreaded question of when am I going to have children, you will now find your answers in this blog, though that is not its purpose. My “why” for sharing something so personal and private is to hopefully

1. Lead women to authenticity through my own vulnerability
2. Set myself free emotionally
3. Help someone like me understand that this is just another part of our life’s story that will make us great

In 2015, I wrote my first book (The Distance between God and Me) out of the painful loss of two miscarriages and 3 failed IVF attempts. It seemed to be a joyous time in my life but no one knew the painful and silent suffering that I was enduring. This secret has been a huge weight to carry and has created a barrier in my life between where I am and where I want to go. Towards the end of last year, I felt that intuitive nudge from God to share it and immediately began running the opposite way. It was soon after confirmed by one of my mentors and I knew that the time of transparency was nearly approaching.

The biggest lesson I learned last year is that you cannot be authentic if you are not willing to be vulnerable. Jeez, that is a tough pill to swallow! When we are vulnerable, we put ourselves at risk of being hurt, judged, or even taken advantage of. So, naturally, no one wants to do it. However, in the context of authenticity, vulnerability is not about “baring your soul” or “telling all your business”. Being vulnerable is about standing in and acknowledging your truth so that it can be of purpose in your life and even in the lives of others.

So…deep sigh…here I am, in my most authentic way, standing in the truth of my infertility. I will not be ashamed or embarrassed, as clearly God has a great purpose for this in my life. I choose to believe that. It is my hope that this level of vulnerability that I am choosing to walk in will help women, particularly those of color, feel understood, supported, and strengthened in an area of life that seems to bare more pain than joy.

Authentically speaking,

Chawanis

Please leave your comments below and feel free to send questions and topics around this issue.